Compromise and help

One of the first lessons I had to learn when I begame ill was that my capabilities were now far less than what they once were.

Pacing is something you hear about a lot when you are chronically ill. But pacing means compromise. It means allowing yourself to let go of some things so you can hold onto others, and it is not easy. Sometimes you see everything you want or need to achieve, and you might not be able to do it all.

That’s okay.

Your physical needs, whatever they may be, need to be cared for. So do your emotional needs. It’s okay to prioritise these.

I constantly have a battle of do I do housework, rest, or spend time with my family? Compromise with yourself sucks, but it can make life so much easier. Like, I may not be able to stand up to wash all the dishes at once, but I can wash the plates. Maybe I can’t clean a whole room, but I can sit down with a garbage bag and a box somewhere, fill the box with things to keep and the bag with things to get rid of. I simply cannot be active with my kids, but they can sit on the couch with me or lay in bed with me and talk about what they’ve done that day.

But how do you get everything done when you have to pace, and when you have to compromise?

Asking for help.

The worst time of my life were the months where I had a newborn, a toddler, and I couldn’t even do all of their basic care needs. I would get up in the morning and change their nappies, then need to rest for an hour before I could make breakfast. That pattern would repeat throughout the day – one simple task, an hour or so of rest. My partner was out of the house from 6am until 6pm.

I did not have much in the way of family and friends to help. My parents lived an hour away and thought I was pretending to be ill. My mother-in-law lived two hours away and was working 6-7 days a week to keep up with her bills. I had few friends, certainly none that I felt comfortable asking for help and who lived close enough to do so.

I started by talking to my partner. We made changes together that meant I could get to the point in the morning where both kids were clean, fed and ready to play quietly until snack time. When I needed more help, I reached out to professional support that was in our budget (free). That was for mental health and I was lucky enough to get access to a service that gave me the support I needed to start changing my views on myself and on parenthood. I came out of that service knowing it was okay if I couldn’t do everything, so to just do what I could instead.

And now?

It feels like that time was forever ago now. One of my brothers, it turns out, believes that I’m ill and he and his wife have been able to help here and there. When my oldest started school, I became friends with the parents of some of her new school friends, and one couple in particular have become the first people I reach out to when I need something, and they do the same with consideration for my limitations.

I still have to compromise – today I have cleaned most of the rubbish off my desk while sitting in my seat. There are some cups on the floor next to me that I will take to the kitchen in a few minutes when the washing machine beeps to let me know the clothes are clean. The clothes in the dryer will go on my bed so I can sort and fold with the physical support I need. My children will put away their own clothes before they go to bed tonight, they’ll be tucked in by my partner but not before they come into my room to say goodnight – I get into bed the same time they do most nights now.

The difference now is that I have a little village now, and we help each other raise our kids and keep each other going.

What are some of the compromises you make to balance your health needs with other needs?